An Ending..... A Beginning

This week has been a hard one. After much soul searching and prayer my wife and we have decided to stop our wait for adoption. It is the icing on the cake of what has been already a difficult year for us. I know that this is the right thing for us to do. It isn't a matter of money or love or anything like that. If the opportunity had presented itself we would have run with it. But the opportunity never presented itself. Not once. So after many years of waiting for that opportunity with no results positive or negative we are closing the book on an agency facilitated adoption. This is not to say we wouldn't be open to adoption if one came our way. It is just we are no longer actively seeking it out. What can I say? For those of you looking to adopt feel free to cheer that there is one less couple to compete against. For any of you who want to give a child up for adoption, we are still out here but you are going to have to contact us. We are who we are. We aren't getting any younger or more picture perfect. Maybe there is a child out there for us. Maybe not. But we will move on from this and begin focusing on our family as it stands. Best of luck to all out there in the adoption world. Except for those who have made this a matter of money and profit in the blantant exploitation of hopeful children and even more hopeful adoptive parents. You people can enjoy your ill gotten gains on your way to the rings of Dante's Hell.

How Dad did it I will never know.

Almost home from running down to Salt Lake on Thursday for a Tab concert for new temple presidents. Then up to Rexburg for two days to visit Roger and Carma. Then back last night for Music and the Spoken Word for this morning. Then over to mom and dad's for dinner in Collinston. Finally, back home (I hope) sometime tonight. Too much driving. Not enough sleep. Body aches. How Dad did it driving across Colorado and Wyoming for 11 hours at a shot I will never know. Sour gummy worms are the key. Ice cold coke is also a bonus. In other news I am working now 2 days a week in the temple baptistery in the Logan Temple. It makes life more, I don't know, bearable. Takes my mind off of the superficial 'stuff' and helps me refocus on the important things I need to be doing for my family and I. Right now DonNel and I are faced with the the unhappy decision of should we continue with the adoption wait or not. I am conflicted about the whole thing right now. We want to have another child. But here has never been a single solitary glimmer from anyone ever that they would want us to adopt a child. Money is tight and we are looking to see where we should cut costs and where to focus our efforts. I know this and I have told DonNel that if I stop with the adoption process now, that will be it and I won't be going back to it. So I am wondering if that is what we should do. Maybe our time has passed and the window of opportunity has closed. Am I just holding on to a dream? I am concerned that we are wasting our time, talents, energies, and resources on something that just isn't going to happen. Almost 5 years of waiting and nothing. I don't know what choice to make and if I am making the right one. If there had been a single flicker of something maybe I wouldn't be looking at this as a bad investment. But no one seems to be interested in us. Maybe we just aren't supposed to have another child. I don't mean to sound so down but I have to face the truth as it is now. I will go and talk with the LDS Family Services person tomorrow and ask her what she thinks we should do. Then maybe I can go to the temple and lay out my situation with The Lord and ask him what He wants us to do.

So I asked myself.... "Self?"

I am just going to put something out there and you all can mull it over and tell me what you think. "Is it just me or is Adoption becoming prohibitively expensive?" I am being serious here. There is something very wrong about paying a minimum of $20,000 for a child. More often than not it is $30,000 or even $50,000 after all things are said and done. Who has that kind of money just lying around.... especially in this economy? The bigger issue... the darker issue that really needs to be brought out into the light is: 'Who profits?' Now there are government subsidies and grants for this and I am grateful. Really, I am. It is the one good thing that the government, in my small opinion, has done right for/by adoptive families. I wonder how many agencies would continue to assist families in the adoption of children if there was not so much money to be had in it. Don't take me the wrong way many, if not most, of those who assist/facilitate adoption do so with nothing but the interests of the child and both families at heart. There are times however when I look at the fees in the paperwork from agencies and I have to ask the stupid question. What drives this? To which my mind returns to a lecture from my Econ 101 class in college. The Principle of Supply and Demand. Another question would be: How many more children would be placed in homes with families that would love them if the price of adoption were to go down? It boggles the mind. The application of the principle of supply and demand can be applied in many respects to the business of adoption. Children, in my opinion, should not be an item that is bought and sold in the marketplace. Children are not or should not be a commodity. A child is a child. Let them have a family. The most wonderful selfless act of adoption is being out beyond the reach of those who want to provide that family. I know in my heart that I want to adopt a child. God knows and I know He listens. And one day it will happen. There I have vented. Thanks for reading. Until later.

Working on illustrations for a contract. Takes up most of my time. The other time is spent digging a new brick pathway to my front door. My spare time is spent weeding the garden and paying cab driver for my daughters many activities and lessons. Very full schedule going on. Maybe I should find my hammock and put it out.... let the dog sleep in it with the chickens.

The Adoption Process vs. Gambling: Are the odds ever in my favor?

There are reasons I don’t gamble. One of the first has to be that I can actually do rudimentary math. The second is that I am not ‘Lucky’. Or put another way, I am not ‘Lucky’ like that. Truth be told, I stopped believing in Luck a while ago. So when I pass through Nevada, which is rare, I usually make an effort to hit a Casino, just for the buffet. I am a sucker for a great buffet. But I digress. As I was saying, I don’t gamble. Too much going on that I can’t control on the wheel, in the dice, or the cards. I like certainties and outcomes for the efforts I put in: A + B = C simple and uncomplicated. The real heart of the manner is that I am a very poor loser. I hate losing. Not extreme-temper-tantrum throw-my-golf-clubs (of I owned any) into-pond kind of reaction to losing. None the less I really don’t like putting time, efforts, money, and talents into something and have it fail/lose. I don’t think anyone really does. There are those who find the brighter side and chalk losing up as a learning experience. Once in a while I can do that. I try to teach that to my daughter. But it is still very hard for me. What can I say? I like the feeling of having accomplished something that has a positive win-win outcome. When things and events, which affect me and mine personally, are beyond my control I get nervous. I hate it. Especially when I am left to the charity/good graces of a person I have never met. That totally floors me and sends me into a sideways flat spin. I don’t have the temperament to shrug things off and roll with the punches. I am a man. It is my job to stand and take the punches so that others don’t have to. Physically, men are better designed to do it. But the emotional, spiritual, and psychological body blows are harder to take. I feel ill-equipped to take that on kind of assault. Adoption or the Adoption Process is in my opinion a lot like gambling blind, in the dark, with dice that have no spots on them. I have to rely on others to tell me if I am a winner or a loser. It is unnerving to say the least. I don’t know what is going on and no one really can tell me if I am doing well or not. So it is frustrating, and yet I continue to play. Is it worth it? Some days you could ask me that and I would answer “YES!” However, more often than not I will answer truthfully “Maybe.” I feel like I am back in High School trying to catch the eye of the girl and get her to go to Homecoming with me. Am I the most handsome? No. Am I the most athletic? No. Am I the richest? No. Am I the most successful? No. But I am in my own way, unique/different than the rest of the suitors in the room. I have lots to offer if given the chance to give. There are experiences and vistas that only I can show. But I need that chance. Going back to the gambling metaphor used earlier: I am a good bet that pays off. Do my wife and I want another child? Yes. Can we keep on doing this? Can we keep waiting and hoping? For a while longer, yes we can. So, what am I to do now that I have vented my frustration about the adoption process? Well, I have lots of projects and chores that demand my attention this summer. I think I will work out my frustration, nervousness, depression, and anxiety about the whole thing in those projects and chores. Better to have a tangible finished achievement in front of you than whips of worry and doubt behind you. Thanks for reading. I just needed to put this out there. Maybe there is someone out there who can relate.

Inspiration.... fickle and taunting to us who need her

I am telling you friends that there is a time when you got to buckle under and beg for help. Skin tones and shading often bring me to those times. It used to be hands and .... (shudder!) feet..... occasionally noses. But now it is shading. I tell you friends that shading will kill me or I will defeat it. Best of luck to all of you out there. Leave me a note and tell me what you think. Until later.

In the middle of painting

Sorry I haven't updated in a while... but I have been contracted to illustrate a book and it takes a lot of my time. We are still looking to adopt and are pursuing what options there are available. Lots of fun.