An Ending..... A Beginning

This week has been a hard one. After much soul searching and prayer my wife and we have decided to stop our wait for adoption. It is the icing on the cake of what has been already a difficult year for us. I know that this is the right thing for us to do. It isn't a matter of money or love or anything like that. If the opportunity had presented itself we would have run with it. But the opportunity never presented itself. Not once. So after many years of waiting for that opportunity with no results positive or negative we are closing the book on an agency facilitated adoption. This is not to say we wouldn't be open to adoption if one came our way. It is just we are no longer actively seeking it out. What can I say? For those of you looking to adopt feel free to cheer that there is one less couple to compete against. For any of you who want to give a child up for adoption, we are still out here but you are going to have to contact us. We are who we are. We aren't getting any younger or more picture perfect. Maybe there is a child out there for us. Maybe not. But we will move on from this and begin focusing on our family as it stands. Best of luck to all out there in the adoption world. Except for those who have made this a matter of money and profit in the blantant exploitation of hopeful children and even more hopeful adoptive parents. You people can enjoy your ill gotten gains on your way to the rings of Dante's Hell.

How Dad did it I will never know.

Almost home from running down to Salt Lake on Thursday for a Tab concert for new temple presidents. Then up to Rexburg for two days to visit Roger and Carma. Then back last night for Music and the Spoken Word for this morning. Then over to mom and dad's for dinner in Collinston. Finally, back home (I hope) sometime tonight. Too much driving. Not enough sleep. Body aches. How Dad did it driving across Colorado and Wyoming for 11 hours at a shot I will never know. Sour gummy worms are the key. Ice cold coke is also a bonus. In other news I am working now 2 days a week in the temple baptistery in the Logan Temple. It makes life more, I don't know, bearable. Takes my mind off of the superficial 'stuff' and helps me refocus on the important things I need to be doing for my family and I. Right now DonNel and I are faced with the the unhappy decision of should we continue with the adoption wait or not. I am conflicted about the whole thing right now. We want to have another child. But here has never been a single solitary glimmer from anyone ever that they would want us to adopt a child. Money is tight and we are looking to see where we should cut costs and where to focus our efforts. I know this and I have told DonNel that if I stop with the adoption process now, that will be it and I won't be going back to it. So I am wondering if that is what we should do. Maybe our time has passed and the window of opportunity has closed. Am I just holding on to a dream? I am concerned that we are wasting our time, talents, energies, and resources on something that just isn't going to happen. Almost 5 years of waiting and nothing. I don't know what choice to make and if I am making the right one. If there had been a single flicker of something maybe I wouldn't be looking at this as a bad investment. But no one seems to be interested in us. Maybe we just aren't supposed to have another child. I don't mean to sound so down but I have to face the truth as it is now. I will go and talk with the LDS Family Services person tomorrow and ask her what she thinks we should do. Then maybe I can go to the temple and lay out my situation with The Lord and ask him what He wants us to do.

So I asked myself.... "Self?"

I am just going to put something out there and you all can mull it over and tell me what you think. "Is it just me or is Adoption becoming prohibitively expensive?" I am being serious here. There is something very wrong about paying a minimum of $20,000 for a child. More often than not it is $30,000 or even $50,000 after all things are said and done. Who has that kind of money just lying around.... especially in this economy? The bigger issue... the darker issue that really needs to be brought out into the light is: 'Who profits?' Now there are government subsidies and grants for this and I am grateful. Really, I am. It is the one good thing that the government, in my small opinion, has done right for/by adoptive families. I wonder how many agencies would continue to assist families in the adoption of children if there was not so much money to be had in it. Don't take me the wrong way many, if not most, of those who assist/facilitate adoption do so with nothing but the interests of the child and both families at heart. There are times however when I look at the fees in the paperwork from agencies and I have to ask the stupid question. What drives this? To which my mind returns to a lecture from my Econ 101 class in college. The Principle of Supply and Demand. Another question would be: How many more children would be placed in homes with families that would love them if the price of adoption were to go down? It boggles the mind. The application of the principle of supply and demand can be applied in many respects to the business of adoption. Children, in my opinion, should not be an item that is bought and sold in the marketplace. Children are not or should not be a commodity. A child is a child. Let them have a family. The most wonderful selfless act of adoption is being out beyond the reach of those who want to provide that family. I know in my heart that I want to adopt a child. God knows and I know He listens. And one day it will happen. There I have vented. Thanks for reading. Until later.

Working on illustrations for a contract. Takes up most of my time. The other time is spent digging a new brick pathway to my front door. My spare time is spent weeding the garden and paying cab driver for my daughters many activities and lessons. Very full schedule going on. Maybe I should find my hammock and put it out.... let the dog sleep in it with the chickens.

The Adoption Process vs. Gambling: Are the odds ever in my favor?

There are reasons I don’t gamble. One of the first has to be that I can actually do rudimentary math. The second is that I am not ‘Lucky’. Or put another way, I am not ‘Lucky’ like that. Truth be told, I stopped believing in Luck a while ago. So when I pass through Nevada, which is rare, I usually make an effort to hit a Casino, just for the buffet. I am a sucker for a great buffet. But I digress. As I was saying, I don’t gamble. Too much going on that I can’t control on the wheel, in the dice, or the cards. I like certainties and outcomes for the efforts I put in: A + B = C simple and uncomplicated. The real heart of the manner is that I am a very poor loser. I hate losing. Not extreme-temper-tantrum throw-my-golf-clubs (of I owned any) into-pond kind of reaction to losing. None the less I really don’t like putting time, efforts, money, and talents into something and have it fail/lose. I don’t think anyone really does. There are those who find the brighter side and chalk losing up as a learning experience. Once in a while I can do that. I try to teach that to my daughter. But it is still very hard for me. What can I say? I like the feeling of having accomplished something that has a positive win-win outcome. When things and events, which affect me and mine personally, are beyond my control I get nervous. I hate it. Especially when I am left to the charity/good graces of a person I have never met. That totally floors me and sends me into a sideways flat spin. I don’t have the temperament to shrug things off and roll with the punches. I am a man. It is my job to stand and take the punches so that others don’t have to. Physically, men are better designed to do it. But the emotional, spiritual, and psychological body blows are harder to take. I feel ill-equipped to take that on kind of assault. Adoption or the Adoption Process is in my opinion a lot like gambling blind, in the dark, with dice that have no spots on them. I have to rely on others to tell me if I am a winner or a loser. It is unnerving to say the least. I don’t know what is going on and no one really can tell me if I am doing well or not. So it is frustrating, and yet I continue to play. Is it worth it? Some days you could ask me that and I would answer “YES!” However, more often than not I will answer truthfully “Maybe.” I feel like I am back in High School trying to catch the eye of the girl and get her to go to Homecoming with me. Am I the most handsome? No. Am I the most athletic? No. Am I the richest? No. Am I the most successful? No. But I am in my own way, unique/different than the rest of the suitors in the room. I have lots to offer if given the chance to give. There are experiences and vistas that only I can show. But I need that chance. Going back to the gambling metaphor used earlier: I am a good bet that pays off. Do my wife and I want another child? Yes. Can we keep on doing this? Can we keep waiting and hoping? For a while longer, yes we can. So, what am I to do now that I have vented my frustration about the adoption process? Well, I have lots of projects and chores that demand my attention this summer. I think I will work out my frustration, nervousness, depression, and anxiety about the whole thing in those projects and chores. Better to have a tangible finished achievement in front of you than whips of worry and doubt behind you. Thanks for reading. I just needed to put this out there. Maybe there is someone out there who can relate.

Inspiration.... fickle and taunting to us who need her

I am telling you friends that there is a time when you got to buckle under and beg for help. Skin tones and shading often bring me to those times. It used to be hands and .... (shudder!) feet..... occasionally noses. But now it is shading. I tell you friends that shading will kill me or I will defeat it. Best of luck to all of you out there. Leave me a note and tell me what you think. Until later.

In the middle of painting

Sorry I haven't updated in a while... but I have been contracted to illustrate a book and it takes a lot of my time. We are still looking to adopt and are pursuing what options there are available. Lots of fun.

I am not a morning person.... in winter

For those of you who are.... bless you. I however am a person who likes breakfast at a reasonable hour.... around 10:30 after I have had a couple of hours to ease into my day. Sadly, the world doesn't work that way. So I am FORCED by entities beyond my my control (read my wife) to get up and move forward. Back to the literal drawing board. Take care keep us in your prayers for an adoption. That is the real reason for this blog after all. The bonus is that people get to see within my personality. Scarey right. I know.

What can I say..... busy Illustrating

I wish I could say that I have not had the time to update the blog. That would be a lie. I could have made more time for it. However, I have been trying to put together some illustrations for another book that I have been contracted to illustrate. Needless to say, I have been bringing words to visual life one brush stroke at a time. My wife wonders how I do it. What is the secret to taking someones outlandish thoughts, put them together in my imagination, and then bring them to life on a page? Well, to put it simply, I rely heavily on sketch pads, and let the weird parts of my brain work. Sometimes, I have a very fixed set of parameters to work with. Such as my most recent effort in "Fay and the Skating Eggs". I had photos of the principles to work with and a specific set of events to work off of. So that part was easy. The next part was making the illustrations match the story. That part not so easy. Thank heaven for layering and computer art programs. If I had to do it paint to canvas..... very ugly. Let's just say that I already go through enough reams of paper and packages of pencils working out the initial layout and sketching to make my wife doubt my sanity. I just don't do things perfect the first time. I know shocking.... who would have guessed. There are those who do and do it well, my driving cap off to all of you. I don't. Mine is a very painful trial-and-error-until-I-get-what-I-want process. The thing that I like most about Illustrating is that you get to know the characters you draw in a profound way. Now I know I am not the only one who this happens to but I will be the first one to admit it. ON some really late nights after putting 12-15 hours into a single illustration those characters follow me into my dreams and there I get even more ideas on how to make the work better. On other times it is just plain weirdness. So why do I do it? Not such an easy answer to that one. I like the feeling of having done something creative. Sinfully and selfishly, I like to see the author's face when they see the work and have their mouths drop. More than that I like to see the look in children's faces when they read or hear the words and then point to the picture and smile. I do love that more than anything else. So back to the the proverbial and for me the literal drawing board. Let me know what you all think. P.S. I am going to be setting up a website for 'Fay and the Skating eggs' as soon as I can get around to it. You will be able to get the book there.

Feel good about yourself

Great news! The book is now published and it looks great. My wife now tells me that I should send out some copies of my artwork to various publishing houses to see if they would like me to work on any of their books. But as I am doing that I am working on my brothers book. His comes first in this seeing as he is my benefactor/patron on this adventure. Let me tell you that is is a great undertaking. I like challenge but this one will be epic and yet fun at the same time. On the home front, everyone is getting over this nasty cold bug that swept through our home like a tsunami. The first wave was bad but it is the receding tide that reveals the devastation left in it's wake. Now is the time for disinfection of the house, catching up on neglected housework, and lots and lots of laundry. I will be working on the illustrations in between loads of sheets. My heart goes out to you all on Martin Luther King Jr. day. I hope that all goes well and stays that way. Let me know if any of you want to see more of the book and I will let you know where you can buy it. It is worth the money, just for the smiles. Until later.

Introducing 'Fay and the Skating Eggs' A TRUE Story

Working with the new wonderful childrens author Vicky Johnson I have been privileged to have been asked to illustrate a beloved family story of Fay and the Skating Eggs. It has been a labor of love and challenges. Here are some samples from the book I recently Illustrated and is now being published. It was a great experience bringing this family story about a young girls adventure when she mixes eggs, skates, and obedience. It is a wonderful story for all ages. I hope everyone who reads it will enjoy it as much as I did working on it.

Book is ready... edits are done.

If you are wondering why I put in this comic it is because that is exactly how I feel having to go back and rework an illustration. It is a pain. I am learning this program a lot better. But as I learn the program I have to go back and fix the earlier mistakes and missteps I made in the earlier illustrations so that they won't look bad next to the newer and better done pictures. So as go over each picture I have to make sure that they are all up to spec. But it is frustrating going over something you had thought you had done. But it is worth it. Now I am on my way to get it printed up and published. The other thing I am looking at doing is putting up a kindle version so that I can tap into that market. Kindle is going to color but the majority is in black and white so I don't know. At least the drawings are finalized and everything is done wording wise. Now is the worst time though... the hated hurry up then wait and see. Check back with you later.

Final touch-ups and edits

Now I am just doing some final touch-ups on the illustrations and getting the final edit of the book done. I hope Grammy likes it when she sees it. This book has been a learning experience. Until later.

The book is almost done

The book I am illustrating for my wife's grandmother is almost over. Good news more info to follow.

Do I believe in Santa?..... Yes... and here's why!

This friends this is ugly truth that the government has been suppressing. Currently I am working on a book for EVA FAY ANDERSON. The story was given to me and I am illustrating it. It takes lots of time and patience. Don't even get me started about the hours it takes to bring a true well known family childrens story to life. Oh my heavens, it is the hardest work I have ever done artistically. What makes it harder is the fact that everyone on this side of the Isrealson family knows the story and have their own thoughts on how it should look. I hope I don't disappoint anyone. I am putting a lot of effort and time into bringing the story to life. And maybe, just maybe, it will warm the heart and bring a smile to a woman who is very dear to me. Wish me luck.

Fruitcake... the root of all evil?

I'm just going to come right out and say it. Fruitcake is a very questionable as food. Yes, it is a holiday tradition. Yes, William and Kate had it for their wedding cake. And yes, it is scientifically proven that fruitcake can, will, and currently does have a shelf life of no less than 3,000 years. Was it used in some castles in Europe..... only one for sure and that was in Bavaria.

And that was done by a person named 'Mad' King Ludwig. OK, down to non-sarcastic issues. DonNel is gearing up for the Mormon Tabernacle Christmas Concert Series this week. Two internationally renowned performers—Jane Seymour, beloved British actress, artist and author, and Nathan Gunn, much sought-after American baritone—will take the stage with the Mormon Tabernacle Choir and Orchestra at Temple Square December 15-18. This should be lots of fun. What is very interesting is that in the past they usually they print 5% more tickets than they have seats. Because of last year they are not doing that anymore. Something about everyone who had a ticket actually showed up. My advice is if you have a ticket... get there early.... if you don't have a ticket and want to try a standby ticket.... good luck... get there early. Show up late and you get nothing but cold. As for the tree... it is decorated..... outside..... well I am a wimp and it is cold outside

..... my true excuse.... I have been making danish pastries and giving them away to neighbors and ward members. I have not even eaten one. But I have been told by my wife that I am not allowed to leave them lying around the kitchen when she is home. Something about Cherry-cheese danish missing and no witnesses. I am now moving on to croissants.... may the patron saint of pastry have mercy on my soul. Let me know what you all think. Best to all.

Orginal blogging and twittering

Back in the day we actually had to use this novel concept called verbal communication. Which by the way I invented last week. All goes well at the house. Morgan is at he cousins birthday party and we are trying to get Christmas up and running. Namely finishing the living room decorations and putting away boxes. I have much to be thankful for. Blessed more than I can express. Sometimes, It is hard to realize the blessings when they are here. I guess that is what memory is for. Perspective is something we only have when life lets us take a breath and see where we came from, just before we get the second wind to take us where we need to go. This year so far has been a rocky one. But I prefer rocky to open plains without end or climbing the sand dunes. Those of you who have tried to climb a sand dune know what I mean. Until later.

Birthmothers For Adoption: Hopeful Adoptive Couples

Birthmothers For Adoption: Hopeful Adoptive Couples: Adoptive couples - If you would like your link or button added to this page, please contact birthmothers4adoption@gmail.com so that it can b...

It is true. I sometimes get the two mixed up. Good news however, We are now all over the flu. Now the disinfecting can begin. Let me tell you I hate cleaning up and doing laundry. But that is the way of things. I just wish that it could have happened all at once and not just one person at a time. That friends is a royal pain in the butt. For this who might have missed it: DonNel looked great at the First Presidency Christmas Devotional. She was standing on the front row second person in next to the Mens section. It is so fun for me to say that my wife is in the Choir. Let me tell you she brings that spirit with her wherever she goes. She is such an inspiration to me and our daughter. And yes, getting cool hard to get tickets to sold out events are a bonus. As for the Adoption prospects: I am keeping my heart guarded but hopeful. Nothing to talk about but then again miracles go sorta unannounced. If anyone has any leads about an adoption prospect just let me know and I will see where it leads. My best to all of you out there.

Pies... Pies... Everywhere

I have to say that gearing up for this Thanksgiving is going to be interesting. Let's just say that there will be pie. And that pie will be rich and flavorful. Add to that the buttery flaky crust. Well friends, it's gonna be fun.But I get ahead of myself. (Drum roll!) Thanksgiving.... the ultimate of all food related holidays...there will be slow cooked turkey wrapped in bacon, butter rolls, raspberry freezer jam, yams and apples, green beans , hand mashed potatoes with smooth turkey gravy, a relish tray, jello salad, green salad, and deserts that will cause a tingling in your arm and a clenching in your chest..... just to remind you of your own mortality. Plus a few bits of this and that that can help you see the light at the end of the tunnel. Keep me posted on what goes on in your world.