The Adoption Process vs. Gambling: Are the odds ever in my favor?

There are reasons I don’t gamble. One of the first has to be that I can actually do rudimentary math. The second is that I am not ‘Lucky’. Or put another way, I am not ‘Lucky’ like that. Truth be told, I stopped believing in Luck a while ago. So when I pass through Nevada, which is rare, I usually make an effort to hit a Casino, just for the buffet. I am a sucker for a great buffet. But I digress. As I was saying, I don’t gamble. Too much going on that I can’t control on the wheel, in the dice, or the cards. I like certainties and outcomes for the efforts I put in: A + B = C simple and uncomplicated. The real heart of the manner is that I am a very poor loser. I hate losing. Not extreme-temper-tantrum throw-my-golf-clubs (of I owned any) into-pond kind of reaction to losing. None the less I really don’t like putting time, efforts, money, and talents into something and have it fail/lose. I don’t think anyone really does. There are those who find the brighter side and chalk losing up as a learning experience. Once in a while I can do that. I try to teach that to my daughter. But it is still very hard for me. What can I say? I like the feeling of having accomplished something that has a positive win-win outcome. When things and events, which affect me and mine personally, are beyond my control I get nervous. I hate it. Especially when I am left to the charity/good graces of a person I have never met. That totally floors me and sends me into a sideways flat spin. I don’t have the temperament to shrug things off and roll with the punches. I am a man. It is my job to stand and take the punches so that others don’t have to. Physically, men are better designed to do it. But the emotional, spiritual, and psychological body blows are harder to take. I feel ill-equipped to take that on kind of assault. Adoption or the Adoption Process is in my opinion a lot like gambling blind, in the dark, with dice that have no spots on them. I have to rely on others to tell me if I am a winner or a loser. It is unnerving to say the least. I don’t know what is going on and no one really can tell me if I am doing well or not. So it is frustrating, and yet I continue to play. Is it worth it? Some days you could ask me that and I would answer “YES!” However, more often than not I will answer truthfully “Maybe.” I feel like I am back in High School trying to catch the eye of the girl and get her to go to Homecoming with me. Am I the most handsome? No. Am I the most athletic? No. Am I the richest? No. Am I the most successful? No. But I am in my own way, unique/different than the rest of the suitors in the room. I have lots to offer if given the chance to give. There are experiences and vistas that only I can show. But I need that chance. Going back to the gambling metaphor used earlier: I am a good bet that pays off. Do my wife and I want another child? Yes. Can we keep on doing this? Can we keep waiting and hoping? For a while longer, yes we can. So, what am I to do now that I have vented my frustration about the adoption process? Well, I have lots of projects and chores that demand my attention this summer. I think I will work out my frustration, nervousness, depression, and anxiety about the whole thing in those projects and chores. Better to have a tangible finished achievement in front of you than whips of worry and doubt behind you. Thanks for reading. I just needed to put this out there. Maybe there is someone out there who can relate.